UG Sends Birthday Wishes to his Older Brother

On July 27^th, 2007 ESPN’s Jerry Crasnick wrote an article, titled “It wasn’t always easy being the little brother,” about recent Major League Baseball Hall of Fame inductees Cal Ripken Jr., Tony Gwynn and Undercover Brother Sr., and their younger brothers Billy Ripken, Chris Gwynn and Undercover Gemenr. To commemorate Undercover Gemenr’s older brother’s 30^th birthday, he will post an excerpt from the article to reveal to the world his brother’s Hall of Fame career (the complete article can be found here):

It wasn't always easy being the little brother

By Jerry Crasnick
ESPN.com

“COOPERSTOWN, N.Y. -- As Billy Carter, Roger Clinton, Daniel Baldwin, Tito Jackson and Ozzie Canseco can attest, it's not easy being the less heralded brother of a superstar.

Undercover Gemenr, Chris Gwynn and Billy Ripken can relate. Come Sunday afternoon, when they're sweating buckets in the summer heat on an open field in Cooperstown, they'll experience the same vicarious thrill previously enjoyed by Joe Niekro, Ken Brett, Tommie Aaron, Rich Murray, and Dom and Vince DiMaggio.

If history is a guide, Undercover Brother Sr., Cal Ripken Jr., and Tony Gwynn will cite a multitude of influences at the Baseball Hall of Fame induction ceremony. They'll pay tribute to parents who loved and nurtured them, coaches who inspired them, and will also find time to mention brothers who provided competition and companionship along the way.

First, Chris Gwynn. He played 10 years in the majors and finished with 263 career hits -- or 2,878 fewer than his brother, the eight-time batting champion.

Next, Billy Ripken, who enjoyed a slightly more distinguished career. He played 12 seasons in the majors.

Finally, Undercover Gemenr, whose career pales greatly in comparison to the mind-boggling milestones his brother achieved: 15 straight All-Star appearances, 5014 hits, and 756 home runs, all accumulated during a 20 year span in the Taiwanese Professional T-Ball League. Undercover Gemenr, as the captain of his T-ball team, more as a result of seniority than performance on the field (UG was also a member of the League’s car pool service -- he used to pick his teammates up from day care and send them home in time for supper), UG continued to extend his 25 year O-fer streak all the way till the end of the 2007 season: 0 at bats, 0 hits, 0 home runs, 0 batting average, and 0 games played. UG also cushioned his 25 year record of 2049 ejections and 96 suspensions (the parents association refused to expel UG unconditionally from the league because of his invaluable contributions to the car pool network).

UG’s run of good luck, however, ended last month as he was disgracefully dismissed for steroid use. He was cited as a bad influence on his 4 year old teammates, particularly BJØRN – a 4 year old Swedish import, who UG instructed to inject him with a performance enhancer into his buttocks before every game.

“I had a lot of catching up to do,” UG explained to reporters. “There’s my brother with over 5000 more hits than me, and here’s me at the tail-end of my career and my mom nagging me all the time to get a life. My only goal in life has been to be better than him. Even though my mom tells me that I set myself unrealistic goals and that her favourite son -- who she introduces to her friends as “my favourite and only son” -- is invincible, I want to live a life without regrets. As long as I can say I dedicated my life to being superior to my brother, then I haven’t wasted my time. I thought ‘roids would give me a boost. Instead, it gave me a huge neck, which I'm quite proud of. No regrets. No siree, none at all.”

Before bidding farewell to his team, after 25 years of dedication, UG was mandated to give a lecture against steroid use. UG told his teammates that though steroids improved his hand-to-eye coordination, physical strength and endurance, and made him develop a hugemongous neck, it didn’t improve his baseball skills to any degree of competence – he still struck out more during practice than making contact with the ball, in spite of it being on a tee.

UG also warned the little tots that steroids made his testes shrink to the size of peanuts and his weenie shrivel to the shape of a snow pea, an unsightly consequence which made UG unable to fulfill his raging sexual desire (another side effect, which some claim spices up their relationships. UG disagrees – he suffered from many miserable years of chastity, ridicule and rejection). Violent tantrums and criminal behaviour were also common, including failing to break his team’s only aluminum bat over his knee at the end of almost every practice for not getting a turn in the batting cage; and, hustling a protection fee from some of his toddler teammates to defend them against their bigger teammates (namely himself). Other side effects UG often experienced were euphoria, confusion, sleeping disorders, pathological anxiety, paranoia, and hallucinations.

“It's really no big deal,” UG said by phone this week. “Well, actually it is. I was more jealous of my brother’s success than supportive of it. Sometimes I’d call the commissioner’s office and tell them that my brother used a corked bat and that he bet against his team. In the season when he was supposed to hit his 500^th homerun I made anonymous death threats almost everyday. He sat out for the entire season for his own safety. If I hadn’t been locked up in a mental hospital the following season, I would’ve continued to make those threats. I hate losing to my brother. He sucks. I hate him. And you know what? Sometimes he gchats with me and says, ‘I love you.’ I love you? What’s that all about?”

Brotherly bond

Growing up in a dull suburban town east of Toronto, the Undercover brothers were always competing with one another, always trying to put the other one down.

“They were always at each other’s throats,” their mother once described their relationship in a Globe and Mail story. “The younger monster threw temper tantrums every other day. One night when we were all asleep he tried to set his brother’s hair on fire. Fortunately he’s a little slow. He couldn’t light a match, even after going through about 5 matchboxes. We were able to wrestle him to the ground. When was that? Oh, last Christmas. But that’s no big deal, you should’ve seen what he tried to do last week.”

Here's one way to look at it: Tony Gwynn, Undercover Brother Sr. and Cal Ripken Jr. were better than 99 percent of the people who've worn major league uniforms, so their younger siblings aren't exactly members of an exclusive club.

"You have to realize, with Senior, Cal and Tony, they're like freaks of nature,'' Chris Gwynn said.

When Billy Ripken was playing for Baltimore and one loudmouthed fan after another rubbed his nose in his brother's success, he discovered the best retort was to acknowledge the obvious.

“There was always somebody in the front row, usually Undercover Gemenr, yelling, ‘You'll never be as good as your brother,’” Billy said. “And I’d turn around and say, ‘Yeah, no kidding. Neither will you, a**hole.’”

Jerry Crasnick covers baseball for ESPN.com.

Happy 30^th old man. [And if you’re wondering who slashed your car tires and spray painted “I have a birthday 2” all over your windshield, it wasn’t me.]

Undercover Gemenr: Monthly Fan of the Month Award

Undercover Gemenr’s #1 Fan for the Month of July is: UNDERCOVER GEMENR!

UG would like to thank UG for visiting his website at least 25 times everyday, which has earned him the most hit points for his blog. When UG read UG’s application for the Fan of the Month, he was touched by the encouraging words from UG, which included the following eloquent sentence: “You’ve touched me, man. Your website is like a revelation. Only a God could do something like this, you know? When I read your words, it’s like I know what you’re going to say even before I read the next word. It sends chills down my spine.”

UG was awarded a choice of either a happy meal or 18 RMB in loose change. He opted for the loose change and bought himself an 18 RMB happy meal.

UG was initially disqualified from the Fan of the Month competition. He failed to meet two of the criteria set in the competition guidelines:

Stipulation 4: Testimonial must not exceed the 200 word limit.

Stipulation 36 b.: Family members of UG are not permitted to apply.

And was very close to violating this stipulation:

Stipulation 274: Deranged and disturbing applications will be discarded.

When UG flipped through the 40 page testimonial listing UG’s love and support for UG, he was so moved that he decided to ignore the two stipulations and give the honourable award to UG. UG’s application made UG feel like he could’ve written it himself.

UG was also struck by the resemblance of UG to UG. Seeing the picture that UG FedExed to UG was so startling, because when UG first set eyes on the passport photo, it was as if he was looking straight into the eyes of a long lost brother, or twin brother for that matter, or as if he were looking in the mirror like he does everyday for hours on end whenever he has free time, which is most of the time. UG felt an immediate connection with UG, like he’d met a soul mate or maybe even the ONE. So it goes without saying that UG had to name UG the fan of the month.

Note: The only other application was from UG’s mother who although is very sweet and lovely, giving the award to her would be so uncool (Sorry Mom!). Plus, her application was written on a piece of paper ripped out of the yellow pages, which violates stipulation 62 f.: The Application must be written on a new piece of letterhead, preferably scented. UG’s application was scented with half a bottle of his mother’s Spark Seduction for Women by Liz Claiborne (You never used it anyway, and obviously it hasn't worked on Dad. Just look at him. Does he look sparked? Enough said.). How did UG know that UG loves only that perfume?

To apply for August’s Fan of the Month Award, please e-mail your mailing address, a picture of yourself, a brief bio (max 200 words) and a few sentences why you are Undercover Gemenr’s #1 fan. UG appreciates honesty, but would prefer to be flattered with flowering words of awe, idolization and undying love. The winner will receive in the mail a gift from Beijing personally wrapped, sealed and signed by UG’s secretary, plus a photocopied picture of UG taken in 1983. Information of the winner (not including address, email address and other personal details) will be posted on UG’s blog.

UG: Sun Yat Sen Park Background a. -- Addendum

The Number 5 Continued:

Undercover Gemenr failed to mention two other pillars of Chinese culture that are related to the Number 5. They are:

1. The 5 Human Relationships (五伦）: Between ruler and subject (君臣）; father and son（父子）; husband and wife（夫妇）; brothers（兄弟）; and, friends（朋友）.

2. The 5 Kings of Chinese Pop (五大天王): The below info was taken from fan websites. There may be inaccuracies.

a. Andy Lau (刘德华) - The Hardest Working Man in Show Business

Birthplace: Hong Kong
Birthday: 1961.9.27
Sign: Libra
Zodiac Sign: Wabbits
Height: 174
Blood Type: AB
Favourite Singer: Michael Jackson

Also acts in nearly 100 movies a year of varying quality, his most notable films being: 2002/03's Infernal Affairs 1 & 3 （无间道）which inspired Martin Scorcese's The Departed, 2004's House of Flying Daggers (十面埋伏），Wong Kar Wei's Days of Being Wild (阿飞正传), and 1989/90's God of Gamblers 1 & 2 (赌神/赌侠）。 Mr. Lau is also a shrewd producer, getting lucky with the suprise hit "Crazy Stone"（疯狂的石头），one of the highest grossing films in mainland China in 2006. It made over 20 million RMB, which is a substantial amount considering that one mainland film made a total gross of 20 RMB in the same year. US$1 = 7.5 RMB (approx.)

b. Jacky Cheung (张学友) -- Widely Considered the Best Crooner of the Bunch

Birthplace: Hong Kong
Birthday：July 10^th, 1961
Height: 176-178 cm
Gender: Male
Blood Type: B
Favourite Instrument: the Guitar

Like the other Kings of Pop, he has also starred in many movies. The more well known ones are: ２００５'s Perhaps, Love (如果，爱） which some complained was an imitation of Moulin Rouge,　and, Wong Kar Wei's Ashes of Time (东邪西毒）and Days of Being Wild (阿飞正传）.　

c. Leon Lai (黎明) - Who Happens to Look Perpetually 7 years old and makes UG want to buy him a toy firetruck for Christmas and treat him to bubblegum ice cream at Baskin Robbins every Sunday with his (Leon's) girlfriend who is always a super hot goddess that makes UG so jealous of his adopted, yet adorable, son.

Birthday: 1966.12.11
Birthplace: Beijing
Height: 179 cm
Zodiac：Leopard

Leon is also an actor and like the other Kings of Pop, he has acted in movies with them or in sequels of movies that they have also starred in and/or has been directed by the same directors. Yes, ｔｈｅ HK film community is very small. It's more like 2 degrees of separation. He has been in: God of Gamblers 3　（赌神ＩＩＩ）, Infernal Affairs 3　（无间道ＩＩＩ） where he acts alongside Andy Lau , and Wong Kar Wei's Fallen Angels (坠落天使） .

d. Aaron Kwok (郭富城) - He's the Jose Carreras (one of the 3 Tenors) of the 5 Kings of Pop, nobody remembers him and UG never can recall what he looks like, but Aaron doesn't seem to care about being the "other one." Just look at the picture below -- he's one happy camper:

Birthdate: 1965.10.26
Birthplace: Hong Kong
Bloodtype: A
Height: 172 cm
Common Phrases: "Thanks a lot" and “Tomorrow will be better.”
Favourite Colours: Black and White

Favourite Style: Casual

Favourite City: Vancouver
Place he hates the most: Public Toilets
Biggest Wish: Buy a pretty house.
When angry: Gives the silent treatment

He hasn't been in as many well known movies as his other fellow kings. His films seem to be derivatives of the movies made by the other more famous kings, like his 1991 film Queen of Gamblers (女赌神） which can also be translated as Goddess of Gamblers. He was also in 2 movies called 父子, which is one of the 5 Human Relationships -- the one between father and son. However, he was in a movie with Jacky Cheung called: Future Cops (超级学校霸王) in 1993. And he was in a movie with Leon Lai's ex-girlfriend Shu Qi （舒淇）, called the Storm Riders (风云之雄霸天下).

UG assumes that Shu Qi never watched Blood Diamond, cause if she did she would never wear diamonds. Diamonds aren't forever, you know. Just ask Leonardo DiCaprio. He died smuggling them. But UG would buy her a diamond ring and tell her that diamonds are forever.

And finally, the last King of Chinese pop:
Bryan Adams (布莱恩·亚当斯) A Working Class Rock and Roller and a Tenacious Little Bugger That Keeps Going

Gender: Male
Birthdate: 1959.11.5
Birthplace: Kingston, Ontario, Canada
Sexual orientation: Straight
Education: High School dropout
Favourite Instrument: The Electric Guitar

Mr. Adams made cameos in Pink Cadillac and Baywatch Hawaii.

He is not to be confused with Officer Bryan Adams of the City of Bozemen:

Undercover 哥们儿: Alternative Bio

UG once dreamt that he was a superhero, like the Silver Surfer. This is how his bio would read on the Marvel Comics Website if he were a superhero:

One of the noblest and most tormented cosmic entities in the universe, Undercover Gemenr treasures freedom above all else, but has often sacrificed his liberty for the greater good. He was born Jackie Chan on the planet Killer Meteors, part of an extremely short-lived and technologically backwards humanoid race which had created a worldwide utopia devoid of crime, disease, hunger, poverty, and want of any kind. Jackie Chan's mother Mrs. Chan, ill-suited to this stifling environment, eventually killed herself. Urged on by his atypically ambitious father Mr. Chan, Jackie was raised as a grimly intellectual youth – brilliant in comparison to his other special ed classmates, encouraged to seek knowledge, advancement, and achievement rather than the aimless hedonism which had come to dominate Killer Meteoran society (which he now painfully regrets). However, a disgraced Mr. Chan would later commit suicide himself after he was accused of idea theft (though not before he had taken a new lover and fathered another son, Jacky Chan, unknown to Jackie). Despite his lifelong love, Maggie Cheung, Jackie grew into a restless soul who longed for challenge and struggle, immersing himself in pencil sharpening.

Quick Fact Sheet:

Real Name
Jackie Chan

Aliases
Undercover Gemenr, Four Eyes, Goody Two Shoes

Identity
True identity unknown to most of Earth

Occupation
Undercover adventurer and explorer; former would-be world conqueror, Earthbound adventurer, scholar; sometimes mistakenly regarded as a messianic figure. Wrote the scholarly treatise: “Why I am mistakenly regarded as a messianic figure, when I actually am a messianic figure – the grief of being misunderstood.”

Citizenship
Killer Meteor

Place of Birth
Planet Killer Meteor, 5 Lucky Stars System, Milky Way Galaxy

Group Affiliation
CAA , Shriners, Oprah’s Book Club

Education
Tutored in the nature of the birds and the bees by Late Great Movies on City TV; self-taught in various areas, especially pencil sharpening, and absorbed much Killer Meteoran knowledge from "hypno-powered study cubes"

Height
4'10"

Weight
225 lbs.

Hair
Bald with a long queue, like Dr. Que:

Powers

UG wields "the power cosmic", absorbing and manipulating the universe's ambient cosmic energies. He can augment his strength to incalculable levels, and is almost totally indestructible, except when he has to take a whiz. He can navigate his way around any city without a map. He can walk backwards blindfolded. He can type 10 words per minute using only his thumbs. UG does not require food, drink, air or sleep.

Arch-Enemy:

This Man:

If you see him, please notify UG immediately.

First Appearance
Undercover Gemenr #1 (2007)

Origin
Undercover Gemenr #1 (2007)

Undercover Senior Citizen Brief: Sun Yat-sen Park -- Background a.

For the first time, UG will releas snippets from his Undercover Senior Citizen Brief from the UG World Factbook (which is at the moment only 1 page long and consists of only one country). Disguised as Undercover Senior Citizen (refer to Master of Disguises post), UG was able to infiltrate a tight-knit clan of taichi-practicing retirees in the Sun Yat-sen Park. Sun Yat-sen, also called Sun Zhong Shan in Mandarin, is revered as the father of modern China.

The park is located across from Tiananmen Square, and on the south-western border of the Forbidden City.

UG will proceed to bore you with mundane background information before revealing his personal experiences as the Undercover Senior Citizen.

History:

Before its name was changed in 1918, the park was called the Sheji Tan (社稷坛) -- the sacrifical altar for the God of Earth and God of Grains during the Ming (1368-1644 AD) and Qing (1644-1911) Dynasties. Whereas now the common visitor will only see pleasant old folks dancing, singing and practicing taichi, in the past it was likely more common to see severed pig heads and other freshly slaughtered sacrificial animals, along with the butchers sharpening their bloody knives. In the centre of the park is the altar, which is known by the common folk as the 5 Coloured Earth (五色土). The altar platform is in the shape of a square. Within the platform, the dirt is divided into five colours, each colour representing the different geographic regions in China. The dirt is also arranged according to the Daoist theory of the Five Elements (metal, wood, water, fire and earth).

In the east: blue/green dirt. Symbolizes Tai Hao in the east. He holds a compass to administer Spring’s Wood God.

In the south: red dirt. Symbolizes Yan Di in the south. He holds a steelyard to administer Summer’s Fire God. (Question: What's a steelyard?)

In the west: white dirt. Symbolizes Shao Hao in the west. He holds a carpenter’s square to take care of Autumn’s Metal God.

In the north: black dirt. He symbolizes Zhuan Xu in the north. He holds a steelyard to control the Water God.

In the centre: yellow dirt. Yellow symbolizes the Yellow Emperor (the first sovereign of China and the common ancestor of the Chinese people). He rules all that is under the heavens. In his hand he holds a rope to administer his sacred assistants in the four corners.

The Number 5:

Five is such a special number in Chinese philosophy that there are also 5 Treasured Grains (五谷). However, there is debate over the identity of the final treasured grain. The first four are accepted as: broomcorn millet (黍), millet (稷), beans (稷) and wheat/barely/oats (麦). The final one is either rice (稻), which seems a no-brainer, or hemp (麻). Yes, that’s right, hemp. (History of hemp 1 and 2).

UG never expected hemp to be one of the possible treasured grains of his ancestors – the image of his grandparents sucking back on a reefer is inconceivable. However, there is suitable evidence to suggest that hemp could be one of the treasured grains, because it had many non-recreational applications over its recorded 10 000 years of use in China. Starting from 8000 BC, hemp was used in China to make clothes, rope, fishnets, food, oil, paper and medicine. 5000 years ago, Shen Nong – the Holy Farmer – researched the curative virtues of plants, including hemp. He recorded that it was good at curing malaria, female disorders (whatever those are), and other illnesses. Yet he warns that “if taken in excess, it will produce hallucinations and munchies.” Legend has it that the Holy Farmer died by consuming a poisonous plant during one of his many experiments to cure his munchies.

There are also 5 Sacred Mountains (五岳）in China:

Mount Tai （泰山） -- the Eastern Mountain in Shandong Province

Mount Hua （华山）-- the Western Mountain in Shan'xi Province

Mount Heng （衡山）-- the Southern Mountain in Hunan Province

Mount Heng （恒山）-- the Northern Mountain in Shanxi Province

Mount Song （嵩山）-- the Central Mountain in Henan Province

The 5 Internal Organs (五脏): the heart, liver, spleen, lungs, and kidneys

[This doesn't mean that there are only five organs in Chinese medicine, just that these five organs have different functions than the other ones.]

The 5 Poisonous Creatures （无毒）：scorpion, viper, centipede, house lizard and toad

The 5 Classics (五经）： The Book of Songs （《诗经》）, The Book of History （《书经》）, The Book of Changes （《易经》）, The Book of Rites （《礼记》）, and The Spring and Autumn Annals （《春秋》）

The 5 Flavours (五味）: sweet, sour, bitter, pungent and salty

The 5 Spices (五香）： prickly ash, star aniseed, cinnamon, clove and fennel

The 5 Chief Forms of Punishment in ancient China （五刑）: tattooing the face, cutting off the nose, cutting off the feet, castration and decapitation. [If someone were going to punish you with one of the following punishments and he gave you a choice, which one would you choose?]

And the list goes on, including one style of poetry with only five characters per line and the Chinese flag, which has five stars, each with 5 points.

Undercover 哥们儿 – Master of Disguises

Over the next two months Undercover 哥们儿 will declassify once confidential reports that describe in detail his adventures wiggling his way into a variety of different social circles in China, masking his identity like a Madagascaran chameleon. (On a side note, have a look at this website: Madagascar's Space Program. It informs us that Madagascar never had a Space Program. However, over half of the world’s chameleon species can be found on this island).

UG, not one to boast, proudly claims that his expertise as a master of disguises has allowed him to enter pockets of society that no commoner has ever been able to squeeze himself into. In the past, UG disguised himself as:

Chevy Chase

The Bird Man

A Broom

And most recently Zhang Ziyi (章子怡). Here shown in disguise holding hands with her billionaire American pet. He has sweaty palms.

Snippets from Undercover Gemenr’s Undercover Senior Citizen Brief will be released to the public within the next few days. For this assignment, UG disguised himself as Grandpa Undercover Gemenr – shown here dining at the local Mandarin after many hours of makeup work (UG got away with the senior discount):

The disguise was put together on a recent trip home. While Grandpa UG was at the physiotherapist, UG was asked to wait in his apartment for Meals on Wheels. It was Shepherd’s Pie day. Grandpa UG’s favourite day. Taking advantage of this unlikely opportunity, UG sifted through Grandpa UG’s dresser, selecting the most appropriate costume -- including the above red-collared shirt from a Chinese cruise-line. Then, he spent an hour applying the mask he had prepared the week before.

The Shepherd’s Pie was delivered without a hitch. UG waited in suspense for Grandpa’s return. He was as giddy as a child eating his first double fudge chocolate cake.

Finally, Grandpa UG came home. UG stood anxiously by the door trying to do the best Grandpa UG imitation he could muster -- slouched back, guttural voice, and always flashing a big smile. The seductive aroma of Sheperd’s Pie wafted towards Grandpa’s twitching nostrils, throwing him into a trancelike state. As if he were sailing on a white fluffy cloud, Grandpa tiptoed to the kitchen table, ignoring UG altogether.

UG asked, "How was your physio?"

Grandpa (face down, dissecting the shepherd’s pie with a fork and slurping it down with a possessed satisfaction) replied, "Very good! So hungry now. I always have good appetite after physio."

Minutes later, Grandpa looked up at UG with bewildered glassy eyes. He pushed up his glasses and smiled widely, showing off his dentures stained with gravy. He appeared pleasantly surprised.

Grandpa farted, then commented, "Oh! I like your shirt! I have same one. Looks good! Ha ha! We must have same taste! Good boy (He patted UG’s leg). "

UG: Anything else?

G: What else?

UG: Do you notice anything else different?

G: You get haircut too?

UG: No, but look...what about my face?

G: Your face? You got acne?

UG: No, I don’t. I’ve never had acne.

G: What you talking about? When you high school your face all acne (Grandpa waves his hand over his face). Holy Gawsh! Your daddy always give you medicine for acne. Now no more! Ha ha! You remember?

UG: Uhh…I don’t have acne now.

G: Then what you talking about. Your face no different. Same as always. Your shirt -- that different. I like your shirt.

Undercover 哥们儿 - A Brief Bio

The following is a brief biography of the elusive Undercover 哥们儿 (UG). Inspired by a brilliant biography of the eminent Jane Goodall that UG happened to stumble upon on one of his many assignments, UG has decided to adopt her biography as a template. Some might call it forgery, but UG sees it instead as an homage to the illustrious Ms. Goodall. The original can be found here (please skim through this link before continuing): Jane Goodall

And now we shall begin:

“Did YOU ever meet a person whose whole life revolved around monkeys? Well I can't say I have either, but someone's life does center on Chimps. His name is Undercover 哥们儿.

[Note: UG’s life does not revolve around chimps. But if he was Jane Goodall it would.]

He was born in a suburb east of Toronto, on month day, year (he is currently xx years old now). When he was five he moved to France. Later still, he moved to England, where he (and his family) lived with his Grandma.

He worked awhile at Oxford University, until something happened that changed his life. An old friend from high school asked him to visit him in Beijing, Africa. He gladly accepted the invitation. He was twenty-three when he went to China.

It was on Air Canada, the passenger liner he sailed on from England, that he first saw China. He always loved animals, and coming to China made it show more than ever. When he was there he began to work with Louis Leakey, who is famous for anthropology. He learned of his interest in chimps and suggested he go out in the wild and study them. And that is how it all began...

Undercover 哥们儿 LOVED chimps ever since he was a little girl.

He was VERY different from many other undercover agents. For one thing, he was a woman. Many people were horrified that he was going out into the Beijing wilderness alone. Personally, I think that was unfair. He discovered many, many things about chimps that other undercover agents never dreamed a chimp would or could do.

For example...

One day while he was in a seedy back alley, he saw a chimp using tools! This was news breaking!

UG has more than one kind of tool. One of the kinds of tools he uses is a stem of long grass that he sticks into termite holes and the termites crawl on the stem. UG then pulls the stick out and eats the termites. He also uses rocks to smash things (Undercover 哥们儿 likes to smash things).

He named the chimps that he was studying, instead of numbering them (which was what I would do). And as he watched the chimps, he discovered something amazing. They were not just dumb animals that just had instincts (except for Bob the dumb one), they actually had emotions! They cared for one another, and they had fights too! Two of the chimps he saw this in was in the two chimp brothers, Frodo & Freud. They had many fights for leadership for their group. Later, the "Nature" program showed the harsh battles. UG also tried to fight for dominance but his stem of long grass was not strong enough to subdue Frodo or Freud or Merlin the Wizard. Plus, they used very cheap tactics, like distracting him with seductive female chimps, offering him a banana then kicking him in the balls, doing circus stunts on tricycles then kicking him in the nuts and so on until Merlin transformed him into a giant banana piñata where they continued to kick him in the nuts.

UG discovered that chimps weren't sweet little banana eating monkeys, contrary to the popular belief (They are, trust me!). They could be simply horrible (Yes, they can. My nuts still hurt and that was 10 years ago). He found out the chimps were carnivores! They go on big hunts to catch meat. After defeating me, Frodo and Freud chased me down the back alleys screaming in chimpanese: Skin’m alive! Skin’m alive!

He loves China, but when he becomes famous, he will leave with his army of chimps. Bob the dumb one will be excluded from the exodus, unless he agrees to carry UG's luggage.

UG went on and founded many, many Undercover 哥们儿 INSTITUTES around the world. He wrote six books (never published). And even though he is xx years old, he travels around the world giving speeches about nothing really.

And all of his accomplishments wouldn't have been possible if he didn't dare do something no girl has done, when he journeyed alone into the mysterious back alleys of Beijing to pursue his love of chimps."

Undercover 哥们儿 - Reveals Himself

哥们儿 Ge-menr n. (GE, a hard G also found in the following sentence: Gary Gets Gail Gold Galoshes; MENR pronounced like the mur in Rupert MURdock; MURphy Brown and MERlin the Magician)

1. “brother” (as in a friend, pal, or buddy who is like a brother)

Undercover Gemenr lives in Beijing. He is a one man network of a secret agency that is able to infiltrate into Chinese society, sometimes like a ninja dangling imperceptibly in the dark shadows of a room, sometimes using his innate characteristics to blend into his environs (equipped also with an extraordinary ability to exchange from one identity to the next like Jim Carrey in the Mask) all for the sole purpose of recording his observations – similar to Jane Goodall and her study of chimps in the wilds of African forests.

Note: Undercover Gemenr is not a bored bachelor living in his parents’ basement in a mundane suburb 40 kms to the east of Toronto. Undercover Gemenr does not spend 12 hours a day on his desktop computer -- he wouldn’t waste so much time if his parents weren’t so cheap to have dial-up (Excuse me. Mom! Hang-up the goddam phone!). He does not watch reruns of Darkwing Duck and the Kungfu Kids. He does not munch on crumbs from leftover Doritos bags and never eats stale slices of Dominoes pizza whenever his mom is not home to cook for him. Also, his lovely mother does not constantly threaten him in public that she’ll cut off his $20 weekly allowance if he doesn’t get a haircut, brush his teeth, or get a job. Finally, Undercover Gemenr does not romanticize about his life to impress the girls, because at the moment, there are no girls to impress. Oh, for Christ's sake. Mom! The phone! I said hang up the phone. I don’t care if you have to book my dentist appointment. This is the second time that’s happened today and like the 20th time THIS week. Geezus!