UG: Sun Yat Sen Park Background a. -- Addendum

The Number 5 Continued:

Undercover Gemenr failed to mention two other pillars of Chinese culture that are related to the Number 5. They are:

1. The 5 Human Relationships (五伦）: Between ruler and subject (君臣）; father and son（父子）; husband and wife（夫妇）; brothers（兄弟）; and, friends（朋友）.

2. The 5 Kings of Chinese Pop (五大天王): The below info was taken from fan websites. There may be inaccuracies.

a. Andy Lau (刘德华) - The Hardest Working Man in Show Business

Birthplace: Hong Kong
Birthday: 1961.9.27
Sign: Libra
Zodiac Sign: Wabbits
Height: 174
Blood Type: AB
Favourite Singer: Michael Jackson

Also acts in nearly 100 movies a year of varying quality, his most notable films being: 2002/03's Infernal Affairs 1 & 3 （无间道）which inspired Martin Scorcese's The Departed, 2004's House of Flying Daggers (十面埋伏），Wong Kar Wei's Days of Being Wild (阿飞正传), and 1989/90's God of Gamblers 1 & 2 (赌神/赌侠）。 Mr. Lau is also a shrewd producer, getting lucky with the suprise hit "Crazy Stone"（疯狂的石头），one of the highest grossing films in mainland China in 2006. It made over 20 million RMB, which is a substantial amount considering that one mainland film made a total gross of 20 RMB in the same year. US$1 = 7.5 RMB (approx.)

b. Jacky Cheung (张学友) -- Widely Considered the Best Crooner of the Bunch

Birthplace: Hong Kong
Birthday：July 10^th, 1961
Height: 176-178 cm
Gender: Male
Blood Type: B
Favourite Instrument: the Guitar

Like the other Kings of Pop, he has also starred in many movies. The more well known ones are: ２００５'s Perhaps, Love (如果，爱） which some complained was an imitation of Moulin Rouge,　and, Wong Kar Wei's Ashes of Time (东邪西毒）and Days of Being Wild (阿飞正传）.　

c. Leon Lai (黎明) - Who Happens to Look Perpetually 7 years old and makes UG want to buy him a toy firetruck for Christmas and treat him to bubblegum ice cream at Baskin Robbins every Sunday with his (Leon's) girlfriend who is always a super hot goddess that makes UG so jealous of his adopted, yet adorable, son.

Birthday: 1966.12.11
Birthplace: Beijing
Height: 179 cm
Zodiac：Leopard

Leon is also an actor and like the other Kings of Pop, he has acted in movies with them or in sequels of movies that they have also starred in and/or has been directed by the same directors. Yes, ｔｈｅ HK film community is very small. It's more like 2 degrees of separation. He has been in: God of Gamblers 3　（赌神ＩＩＩ）, Infernal Affairs 3　（无间道ＩＩＩ） where he acts alongside Andy Lau , and Wong Kar Wei's Fallen Angels (坠落天使） .

d. Aaron Kwok (郭富城) - He's the Jose Carreras (one of the 3 Tenors) of the 5 Kings of Pop, nobody remembers him and UG never can recall what he looks like, but Aaron doesn't seem to care about being the "other one." Just look at the picture below -- he's one happy camper:

Birthdate: 1965.10.26
Birthplace: Hong Kong
Bloodtype: A
Height: 172 cm
Common Phrases: "Thanks a lot" and “Tomorrow will be better.”
Favourite Colours: Black and White

Favourite Style: Casual

Favourite City: Vancouver
Place he hates the most: Public Toilets
Biggest Wish: Buy a pretty house.
When angry: Gives the silent treatment

He hasn't been in as many well known movies as his other fellow kings. His films seem to be derivatives of the movies made by the other more famous kings, like his 1991 film Queen of Gamblers (女赌神） which can also be translated as Goddess of Gamblers. He was also in 2 movies called 父子, which is one of the 5 Human Relationships -- the one between father and son. However, he was in a movie with Jacky Cheung called: Future Cops (超级学校霸王) in 1993. And he was in a movie with Leon Lai's ex-girlfriend Shu Qi （舒淇）, called the Storm Riders (风云之雄霸天下).

UG assumes that Shu Qi never watched Blood Diamond, cause if she did she would never wear diamonds. Diamonds aren't forever, you know. Just ask Leonardo DiCaprio. He died smuggling them. But UG would buy her a diamond ring and tell her that diamonds are forever.

And finally, the last King of Chinese pop:
Bryan Adams (布莱恩·亚当斯) A Working Class Rock and Roller and a Tenacious Little Bugger That Keeps Going

Gender: Male
Birthdate: 1959.11.5
Birthplace: Kingston, Ontario, Canada
Sexual orientation: Straight
Education: High School dropout
Favourite Instrument: The Electric Guitar

Mr. Adams made cameos in Pink Cadillac and Baywatch Hawaii.

He is not to be confused with Officer Bryan Adams of the City of Bozemen:

Undercover 哥们儿: Alternative Bio

UG once dreamt that he was a superhero, like the Silver Surfer. This is how his bio would read on the Marvel Comics Website if he were a superhero:

One of the noblest and most tormented cosmic entities in the universe, Undercover Gemenr treasures freedom above all else, but has often sacrificed his liberty for the greater good. He was born Jackie Chan on the planet Killer Meteors, part of an extremely short-lived and technologically backwards humanoid race which had created a worldwide utopia devoid of crime, disease, hunger, poverty, and want of any kind. Jackie Chan's mother Mrs. Chan, ill-suited to this stifling environment, eventually killed herself. Urged on by his atypically ambitious father Mr. Chan, Jackie was raised as a grimly intellectual youth – brilliant in comparison to his other special ed classmates, encouraged to seek knowledge, advancement, and achievement rather than the aimless hedonism which had come to dominate Killer Meteoran society (which he now painfully regrets). However, a disgraced Mr. Chan would later commit suicide himself after he was accused of idea theft (though not before he had taken a new lover and fathered another son, Jacky Chan, unknown to Jackie). Despite his lifelong love, Maggie Cheung, Jackie grew into a restless soul who longed for challenge and struggle, immersing himself in pencil sharpening.

Quick Fact Sheet:

Real Name
Jackie Chan

Aliases
Undercover Gemenr, Four Eyes, Goody Two Shoes

Identity
True identity unknown to most of Earth

Occupation
Undercover adventurer and explorer; former would-be world conqueror, Earthbound adventurer, scholar; sometimes mistakenly regarded as a messianic figure. Wrote the scholarly treatise: “Why I am mistakenly regarded as a messianic figure, when I actually am a messianic figure – the grief of being misunderstood.”

Citizenship
Killer Meteor

Place of Birth
Planet Killer Meteor, 5 Lucky Stars System, Milky Way Galaxy

Group Affiliation
CAA , Shriners, Oprah’s Book Club

Education
Tutored in the nature of the birds and the bees by Late Great Movies on City TV; self-taught in various areas, especially pencil sharpening, and absorbed much Killer Meteoran knowledge from "hypno-powered study cubes"

Height
4'10"

Weight
225 lbs.

Hair
Bald with a long queue, like Dr. Que:

Powers

UG wields "the power cosmic", absorbing and manipulating the universe's ambient cosmic energies. He can augment his strength to incalculable levels, and is almost totally indestructible, except when he has to take a whiz. He can navigate his way around any city without a map. He can walk backwards blindfolded. He can type 10 words per minute using only his thumbs. UG does not require food, drink, air or sleep.

Arch-Enemy:

This Man:

If you see him, please notify UG immediately.

First Appearance
Undercover Gemenr #1 (2007)

Origin
Undercover Gemenr #1 (2007)

Undercover Senior Citizen Brief: Sun Yat-sen Park -- Background a.

For the first time, UG will releas snippets from his Undercover Senior Citizen Brief from the UG World Factbook (which is at the moment only 1 page long and consists of only one country). Disguised as Undercover Senior Citizen (refer to Master of Disguises post), UG was able to infiltrate a tight-knit clan of taichi-practicing retirees in the Sun Yat-sen Park. Sun Yat-sen, also called Sun Zhong Shan in Mandarin, is revered as the father of modern China.

The park is located across from Tiananmen Square, and on the south-western border of the Forbidden City.

UG will proceed to bore you with mundane background information before revealing his personal experiences as the Undercover Senior Citizen.

History:

Before its name was changed in 1918, the park was called the Sheji Tan (社稷坛) -- the sacrifical altar for the God of Earth and God of Grains during the Ming (1368-1644 AD) and Qing (1644-1911) Dynasties. Whereas now the common visitor will only see pleasant old folks dancing, singing and practicing taichi, in the past it was likely more common to see severed pig heads and other freshly slaughtered sacrificial animals, along with the butchers sharpening their bloody knives. In the centre of the park is the altar, which is known by the common folk as the 5 Coloured Earth (五色土). The altar platform is in the shape of a square. Within the platform, the dirt is divided into five colours, each colour representing the different geographic regions in China. The dirt is also arranged according to the Daoist theory of the Five Elements (metal, wood, water, fire and earth).

In the east: blue/green dirt. Symbolizes Tai Hao in the east. He holds a compass to administer Spring’s Wood God.

In the south: red dirt. Symbolizes Yan Di in the south. He holds a steelyard to administer Summer’s Fire God. (Question: What's a steelyard?)

In the west: white dirt. Symbolizes Shao Hao in the west. He holds a carpenter’s square to take care of Autumn’s Metal God.

In the north: black dirt. He symbolizes Zhuan Xu in the north. He holds a steelyard to control the Water God.

In the centre: yellow dirt. Yellow symbolizes the Yellow Emperor (the first sovereign of China and the common ancestor of the Chinese people). He rules all that is under the heavens. In his hand he holds a rope to administer his sacred assistants in the four corners.

The Number 5:

Five is such a special number in Chinese philosophy that there are also 5 Treasured Grains (五谷). However, there is debate over the identity of the final treasured grain. The first four are accepted as: broomcorn millet (黍), millet (稷), beans (稷) and wheat/barely/oats (麦). The final one is either rice (稻), which seems a no-brainer, or hemp (麻). Yes, that’s right, hemp. (History of hemp 1 and 2).

UG never expected hemp to be one of the possible treasured grains of his ancestors – the image of his grandparents sucking back on a reefer is inconceivable. However, there is suitable evidence to suggest that hemp could be one of the treasured grains, because it had many non-recreational applications over its recorded 10 000 years of use in China. Starting from 8000 BC, hemp was used in China to make clothes, rope, fishnets, food, oil, paper and medicine. 5000 years ago, Shen Nong – the Holy Farmer – researched the curative virtues of plants, including hemp. He recorded that it was good at curing malaria, female disorders (whatever those are), and other illnesses. Yet he warns that “if taken in excess, it will produce hallucinations and munchies.” Legend has it that the Holy Farmer died by consuming a poisonous plant during one of his many experiments to cure his munchies.

There are also 5 Sacred Mountains (五岳）in China:

Mount Tai （泰山） -- the Eastern Mountain in Shandong Province

Mount Hua （华山）-- the Western Mountain in Shan'xi Province

Mount Heng （衡山）-- the Southern Mountain in Hunan Province

Mount Heng （恒山）-- the Northern Mountain in Shanxi Province

Mount Song （嵩山）-- the Central Mountain in Henan Province

The 5 Internal Organs (五脏): the heart, liver, spleen, lungs, and kidneys

[This doesn't mean that there are only five organs in Chinese medicine, just that these five organs have different functions than the other ones.]

The 5 Poisonous Creatures （无毒）：scorpion, viper, centipede, house lizard and toad

The 5 Classics (五经）： The Book of Songs （《诗经》）, The Book of History （《书经》）, The Book of Changes （《易经》）, The Book of Rites （《礼记》）, and The Spring and Autumn Annals （《春秋》）

The 5 Flavours (五味）: sweet, sour, bitter, pungent and salty

The 5 Spices (五香）： prickly ash, star aniseed, cinnamon, clove and fennel

The 5 Chief Forms of Punishment in ancient China （五刑）: tattooing the face, cutting off the nose, cutting off the feet, castration and decapitation. [If someone were going to punish you with one of the following punishments and he gave you a choice, which one would you choose?]

And the list goes on, including one style of poetry with only five characters per line and the Chinese flag, which has five stars, each with 5 points.

Undercover 哥们儿 – Master of Disguises

Over the next two months Undercover 哥们儿 will declassify once confidential reports that describe in detail his adventures wiggling his way into a variety of different social circles in China, masking his identity like a Madagascaran chameleon. (On a side note, have a look at this website: Madagascar's Space Program. It informs us that Madagascar never had a Space Program. However, over half of the world’s chameleon species can be found on this island).

UG, not one to boast, proudly claims that his expertise as a master of disguises has allowed him to enter pockets of society that no commoner has ever been able to squeeze himself into. In the past, UG disguised himself as:

Chevy Chase

The Bird Man

A Broom

And most recently Zhang Ziyi (章子怡). Here shown in disguise holding hands with her billionaire American pet. He has sweaty palms.

Snippets from Undercover Gemenr’s Undercover Senior Citizen Brief will be released to the public within the next few days. For this assignment, UG disguised himself as Grandpa Undercover Gemenr – shown here dining at the local Mandarin after many hours of makeup work (UG got away with the senior discount):

The disguise was put together on a recent trip home. While Grandpa UG was at the physiotherapist, UG was asked to wait in his apartment for Meals on Wheels. It was Shepherd’s Pie day. Grandpa UG’s favourite day. Taking advantage of this unlikely opportunity, UG sifted through Grandpa UG’s dresser, selecting the most appropriate costume -- including the above red-collared shirt from a Chinese cruise-line. Then, he spent an hour applying the mask he had prepared the week before.

The Shepherd’s Pie was delivered without a hitch. UG waited in suspense for Grandpa’s return. He was as giddy as a child eating his first double fudge chocolate cake.

Finally, Grandpa UG came home. UG stood anxiously by the door trying to do the best Grandpa UG imitation he could muster -- slouched back, guttural voice, and always flashing a big smile. The seductive aroma of Sheperd’s Pie wafted towards Grandpa’s twitching nostrils, throwing him into a trancelike state. As if he were sailing on a white fluffy cloud, Grandpa tiptoed to the kitchen table, ignoring UG altogether.

UG asked, "How was your physio?"

Grandpa (face down, dissecting the shepherd’s pie with a fork and slurping it down with a possessed satisfaction) replied, "Very good! So hungry now. I always have good appetite after physio."

Minutes later, Grandpa looked up at UG with bewildered glassy eyes. He pushed up his glasses and smiled widely, showing off his dentures stained with gravy. He appeared pleasantly surprised.

Grandpa farted, then commented, "Oh! I like your shirt! I have same one. Looks good! Ha ha! We must have same taste! Good boy (He patted UG’s leg). "

UG: Anything else?

G: What else?

UG: Do you notice anything else different?

G: You get haircut too?

UG: No, but look...what about my face?

G: Your face? You got acne?

UG: No, I don’t. I’ve never had acne.

G: What you talking about? When you high school your face all acne (Grandpa waves his hand over his face). Holy Gawsh! Your daddy always give you medicine for acne. Now no more! Ha ha! You remember?

UG: Uhh…I don’t have acne now.

G: Then what you talking about. Your face no different. Same as always. Your shirt -- that different. I like your shirt.

Undercover 哥们儿 - A Brief Bio

The following is a brief biography of the elusive Undercover 哥们儿 (UG). Inspired by a brilliant biography of the eminent Jane Goodall that UG happened to stumble upon on one of his many assignments, UG has decided to adopt her biography as a template. Some might call it forgery, but UG sees it instead as an homage to the illustrious Ms. Goodall. The original can be found here (please skim through this link before continuing): Jane Goodall

And now we shall begin:

“Did YOU ever meet a person whose whole life revolved around monkeys? Well I can't say I have either, but someone's life does center on Chimps. His name is Undercover 哥们儿.

[Note: UG’s life does not revolve around chimps. But if he was Jane Goodall it would.]

He was born in a suburb east of Toronto, on month day, year (he is currently xx years old now). When he was five he moved to France. Later still, he moved to England, where he (and his family) lived with his Grandma.

He worked awhile at Oxford University, until something happened that changed his life. An old friend from high school asked him to visit him in Beijing, Africa. He gladly accepted the invitation. He was twenty-three when he went to China.

It was on Air Canada, the passenger liner he sailed on from England, that he first saw China. He always loved animals, and coming to China made it show more than ever. When he was there he began to work with Louis Leakey, who is famous for anthropology. He learned of his interest in chimps and suggested he go out in the wild and study them. And that is how it all began...

Undercover 哥们儿 LOVED chimps ever since he was a little girl.

He was VERY different from many other undercover agents. For one thing, he was a woman. Many people were horrified that he was going out into the Beijing wilderness alone. Personally, I think that was unfair. He discovered many, many things about chimps that other undercover agents never dreamed a chimp would or could do.

For example...

One day while he was in a seedy back alley, he saw a chimp using tools! This was news breaking!

UG has more than one kind of tool. One of the kinds of tools he uses is a stem of long grass that he sticks into termite holes and the termites crawl on the stem. UG then pulls the stick out and eats the termites. He also uses rocks to smash things (Undercover 哥们儿 likes to smash things).

He named the chimps that he was studying, instead of numbering them (which was what I would do). And as he watched the chimps, he discovered something amazing. They were not just dumb animals that just had instincts (except for Bob the dumb one), they actually had emotions! They cared for one another, and they had fights too! Two of the chimps he saw this in was in the two chimp brothers, Frodo & Freud. They had many fights for leadership for their group. Later, the "Nature" program showed the harsh battles. UG also tried to fight for dominance but his stem of long grass was not strong enough to subdue Frodo or Freud or Merlin the Wizard. Plus, they used very cheap tactics, like distracting him with seductive female chimps, offering him a banana then kicking him in the balls, doing circus stunts on tricycles then kicking him in the nuts and so on until Merlin transformed him into a giant banana piñata where they continued to kick him in the nuts.

UG discovered that chimps weren't sweet little banana eating monkeys, contrary to the popular belief (They are, trust me!). They could be simply horrible (Yes, they can. My nuts still hurt and that was 10 years ago). He found out the chimps were carnivores! They go on big hunts to catch meat. After defeating me, Frodo and Freud chased me down the back alleys screaming in chimpanese: Skin’m alive! Skin’m alive!

He loves China, but when he becomes famous, he will leave with his army of chimps. Bob the dumb one will be excluded from the exodus, unless he agrees to carry UG's luggage.

UG went on and founded many, many Undercover 哥们儿 INSTITUTES around the world. He wrote six books (never published). And even though he is xx years old, he travels around the world giving speeches about nothing really.

And all of his accomplishments wouldn't have been possible if he didn't dare do something no girl has done, when he journeyed alone into the mysterious back alleys of Beijing to pursue his love of chimps."