Tuesday, August 14, 2007

UG Sends Birthday Wishes to his Older Brother

On July 27th, 2007 ESPN’s Jerry Crasnick wrote an article, titled “It wasn’t always easy being the little brother,” about recent Major League Baseball Hall of Fame inductees Cal Ripken Jr., Tony Gwynn and Undercover Brother Sr., and their younger brothers Billy Ripken, Chris Gwynn and Undercover Gemenr. To commemorate Undercover Gemenr’s older brother’s 30th birthday, he will post an excerpt from the article to reveal to the world his brother’s Hall of Fame career (the complete article can be found here):

It wasn't always easy being the little brother

By Jerry Crasnick
ESPN.com

COOPERSTOWN, N.Y. -- As Billy Carter, Roger Clinton, Daniel Baldwin, Tito Jackson and Ozzie Canseco can attest, it's not easy being the less heralded brother of a superstar.

Undercover Gemenr, Chris Gwynn and Billy Ripken can relate. Come Sunday afternoon, when they're sweating buckets in the summer heat on an open field in Cooperstown, they'll experience the same vicarious thrill previously enjoyed by Joe Niekro, Ken Brett, Tommie Aaron, Rich Murray, and Dom and Vince DiMaggio.

If history is a guide, Undercover Brother Sr., Cal Ripken Jr., and Tony Gwynn will cite a multitude of influences at the Baseball Hall of Fame induction ceremony. They'll pay tribute to parents who loved and nurtured them, coaches who inspired them, and will also find time to mention brothers who provided competition and companionship along the way.

First, Chris Gwynn. He played 10 years in the majors and finished with 263 career hits -- or 2,878 fewer than his brother, the eight-time batting champion.

Next, Billy Ripken, who enjoyed a slightly more distinguished career. He played 12 seasons in the majors.

Finally, Undercover Gemenr, whose career pales greatly in comparison to the mind-boggling milestones his brother achieved: 15 straight All-Star appearances, 5014 hits, and 756 home runs, all accumulated during a 20 year span in the Taiwanese Professional T-Ball League. Undercover Gemenr, as the captain of his T-ball team, more as a result of seniority than performance on the field (UG was also a member of the League’s car pool service -- he used to pick his teammates up from day care and send them home in time for supper), UG continued to extend his 25 year O-fer streak all the way till the end of the 2007 season: 0 at bats, 0 hits, 0 home runs, 0 batting average, and 0 games played. UG also cushioned his 25 year record of 2049 ejections and 96 suspensions (the parents association refused to expel UG unconditionally from the league because of his invaluable contributions to the car pool network).

UG’s run of good luck, however, ended last month as he was disgracefully dismissed for steroid use. He was cited as a bad influence on his 4 year old teammates, particularly BJØRN – a 4 year old Swedish import, who UG instructed to inject him with a performance enhancer into his buttocks before every game.

“I had a lot of catching up to do,” UG explained to reporters. “There’s my brother with over 5000 more hits than me, and here’s me at the tail-end of my career and my mom nagging me all the time to get a life. My only goal in life has been to be better than him. Even though my mom tells me that I set myself unrealistic goals and that her favourite son -- who she introduces to her friends as “my favourite and only son” -- is invincible, I want to live a life without regrets. As long as I can say I dedicated my life to being superior to my brother, then I haven’t wasted my time. I thought ‘roids would give me a boost. Instead, it gave me a huge neck, which I'm quite proud of. No regrets. No siree, none at all.”

Before bidding farewell to his team, after 25 years of dedication, UG was mandated to give a lecture against steroid use. UG told his teammates that though steroids improved his hand-to-eye coordination, physical strength and endurance, and made him develop a hugemongous neck, it didn’t improve his baseball skills to any degree of competence – he still struck out more during practice than making contact with the ball, in spite of it being on a tee.

UG also warned the little tots that steroids made his testes shrink to the size of peanuts and his weenie shrivel to the shape of a snow pea, an unsightly consequence which made UG unable to fulfill his raging sexual desire (another side effect, which some claim spices up their relationships. UG disagrees – he suffered from many miserable years of chastity, ridicule and rejection). Violent tantrums and criminal behaviour were also common, including failing to break his team’s only aluminum bat over his knee at the end of almost every practice for not getting a turn in the batting cage; and, hustling a protection fee from some of his toddler teammates to defend them against their bigger teammates (namely himself). Other side effects UG often experienced were euphoria, confusion, sleeping disorders, pathological anxiety, paranoia, and hallucinations.

“It's really no big deal,” UG said by phone this week. “Well, actually it is. I was more jealous of my brother’s success than supportive of it. Sometimes I’d call the commissioner’s office and tell them that my brother used a corked bat and that he bet against his team. In the season when he was supposed to hit his 500th homerun I made anonymous death threats almost everyday. He sat out for the entire season for his own safety. If I hadn’t been locked up in a mental hospital the following season, I would’ve continued to make those threats. I hate losing to my brother. He sucks. I hate him. And you know what? Sometimes he gchats with me and says, ‘I love you.’ I love you? What’s that all about?”

Brotherly bond

Growing up in a dull suburban town east of Toronto, the Undercover brothers were always competing with one another, always trying to put the other one down.

“They were always at each other’s throats,” their mother once described their relationship in a Globe and Mail story. “The younger monster threw temper tantrums every other day. One night when we were all asleep he tried to set his brother’s hair on fire. Fortunately he’s a little slow. He couldn’t light a match, even after going through about 5 matchboxes. We were able to wrestle him to the ground. When was that? Oh, last Christmas. But that’s no big deal, you should’ve seen what he tried to do last week.”

Here's one way to look at it: Tony Gwynn, Undercover Brother Sr. and Cal Ripken Jr. were better than 99 percent of the people who've worn major league uniforms, so their younger siblings aren't exactly members of an exclusive club.

"You have to realize, with Senior, Cal and Tony, they're like freaks of nature,'' Chris Gwynn said.

When Billy Ripken was playing for Baltimore and one loudmouthed fan after another rubbed his nose in his brother's success, he discovered the best retort was to acknowledge the obvious.

“There was always somebody in the front row, usually Undercover Gemenr, yelling, ‘You'll never be as good as your brother,’” Billy said. “And I’d turn around and say, ‘Yeah, no kidding. Neither will you, a**hole.’”

Jerry Crasnick covers baseball for ESPN.com.

Happy 30th old man. [And if you’re wondering who slashed your car tires and spray painted “I have a birthday 2” all over your windshield, it wasn’t me.]

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Undercover Gemenr: Monthly Fan of the Month Award

Undercover Gemenr’s #1 Fan for the Month of July is: UNDERCOVER GEMENR!

UG would like to thank UG for visiting his website at least 25 times everyday, which has earned him the most hit points for his blog. When UG read UG’s application for the Fan of the Month, he was touched by the encouraging words from UG, which included the following eloquent sentence: “You’ve touched me, man. Your website is like a revelation. Only a God could do something like this, you know? When I read your words, it’s like I know what you’re going to say even before I read the next word. It sends chills down my spine.”

UG was awarded a choice of either a happy meal or 18 RMB in loose change. He opted for the loose change and bought himself an 18 RMB happy meal.

UG was initially disqualified from the Fan of the Month competition. He failed to meet two of the criteria set in the competition guidelines:

Stipulation 4: Testimonial must not exceed the 200 word limit.

Stipulation 36 b.: Family members of UG are not permitted to apply.

And was very close to violating this stipulation:

Stipulation 274: Deranged and disturbing applications will be discarded.

When UG flipped through the 40 page testimonial listing UG’s love and support for UG, he was so moved that he decided to ignore the two stipulations and give the honourable award to UG. UG’s application made UG feel like he could’ve written it himself.

UG was also struck by the resemblance of UG to UG. Seeing the picture that UG FedExed to UG was so startling, because when UG first set eyes on the passport photo, it was as if he was looking straight into the eyes of a long lost brother, or twin brother for that matter, or as if he were looking in the mirror like he does everyday for hours on end whenever he has free time, which is most of the time. UG felt an immediate connection with UG, like he’d met a soul mate or maybe even the ONE. So it goes without saying that UG had to name UG the fan of the month.

Note: The only other application was from UG’s mother who although is very sweet and lovely, giving the award to her would be so uncool (Sorry Mom!). Plus, her application was written on a piece of paper ripped out of the yellow pages, which violates stipulation 62 f.: The Application must be written on a new piece of letterhead, preferably scented. UG’s application was scented with half a bottle of his mother’s Spark Seduction for Women by Liz Claiborne (You never used it anyway, and obviously it hasn't worked on Dad. Just look at him. Does he look sparked? Enough said.). How did UG know that UG loves only that perfume?

To apply for August’s Fan of the Month Award, please e-mail your mailing address, a picture of yourself, a brief bio (max 200 words) and a few sentences why you are Undercover Gemenr’s #1 fan. UG appreciates honesty, but would prefer to be flattered with flowering words of awe, idolization and undying love. The winner will receive in the mail a gift from Beijing personally wrapped, sealed and signed by UG’s secretary, plus a photocopied picture of UG taken in 1983. Information of the winner (not including address, email address and other personal details) will be posted on UG’s blog.