Undercover 哥们儿 - A Brief Bio

The following is a brief biography of the elusive Undercover 哥们儿 (UG). Inspired by a brilliant biography of the eminent Jane Goodall that UG happened to stumble upon on one of his many assignments, UG has decided to adopt her biography as a template. Some might call it forgery, but UG sees it instead as an homage to the illustrious Ms. Goodall. The original can be found here (please skim through this link before continuing): Jane Goodall

And now we shall begin:

“Did YOU ever meet a person whose whole life revolved around monkeys? Well I can't say I have either, but someone's life does center on Chimps. His name is Undercover 哥们儿.

[Note: UG’s life does not revolve around chimps. But if he was Jane Goodall it would.]

He was born in a suburb east of Toronto, on month day, year (he is currently xx years old now). When he was five he moved to France. Later still, he moved to England, where he (and his family) lived with his Grandma.

He worked awhile at Oxford University, until something happened that changed his life. An old friend from high school asked him to visit him in Beijing, Africa. He gladly accepted the invitation. He was twenty-three when he went to China.

It was on Air Canada, the passenger liner he sailed on from England, that he first saw China. He always loved animals, and coming to China made it show more than ever. When he was there he began to work with Louis Leakey, who is famous for anthropology. He learned of his interest in chimps and suggested he go out in the wild and study them. And that is how it all began...

Undercover 哥们儿 LOVED chimps ever since he was a little girl.

He was VERY different from many other undercover agents. For one thing, he was a woman. Many people were horrified that he was going out into the Beijing wilderness alone. Personally, I think that was unfair. He discovered many, many things about chimps that other undercover agents never dreamed a chimp would or could do.

For example...

One day while he was in a seedy back alley, he saw a chimp using tools! This was news breaking!

UG has more than one kind of tool. One of the kinds of tools he uses is a stem of long grass that he sticks into termite holes and the termites crawl on the stem. UG then pulls the stick out and eats the termites. He also uses rocks to smash things (Undercover 哥们儿 likes to smash things).

He named the chimps that he was studying, instead of numbering them (which was what I would do). And as he watched the chimps, he discovered something amazing. They were not just dumb animals that just had instincts (except for Bob the dumb one), they actually had emotions! They cared for one another, and they had fights too! Two of the chimps he saw this in was in the two chimp brothers, Frodo & Freud. They had many fights for leadership for their group. Later, the "Nature" program showed the harsh battles. UG also tried to fight for dominance but his stem of long grass was not strong enough to subdue Frodo or Freud or Merlin the Wizard. Plus, they used very cheap tactics, like distracting him with seductive female chimps, offering him a banana then kicking him in the balls, doing circus stunts on tricycles then kicking him in the nuts and so on until Merlin transformed him into a giant banana piñata where they continued to kick him in the nuts.

UG discovered that chimps weren't sweet little banana eating monkeys, contrary to the popular belief (They are, trust me!). They could be simply horrible (Yes, they can. My nuts still hurt and that was 10 years ago). He found out the chimps were carnivores! They go on big hunts to catch meat. After defeating me, Frodo and Freud chased me down the back alleys screaming in chimpanese: Skin’m alive! Skin’m alive!

He loves China, but when he becomes famous, he will leave with his army of chimps. Bob the dumb one will be excluded from the exodus, unless he agrees to carry UG's luggage.

UG went on and founded many, many Undercover 哥们儿 INSTITUTES around the world. He wrote six books (never published). And even though he is xx years old, he travels around the world giving speeches about nothing really.

And all of his accomplishments wouldn't have been possible if he didn't dare do something no girl has done, when he journeyed alone into the mysterious back alleys of Beijing to pursue his love of chimps."