UG Sends Birthday Wishes to his Older Brother

On July 27^th, 2007 ESPN’s Jerry Crasnick wrote an article, titled “It wasn’t always easy being the little brother,” about recent Major League Baseball Hall of Fame inductees Cal Ripken Jr., Tony Gwynn and Undercover Brother Sr., and their younger brothers Billy Ripken, Chris Gwynn and Undercover Gemenr. To commemorate Undercover Gemenr’s older brother’s 30^th birthday, he will post an excerpt from the article to reveal to the world his brother’s Hall of Fame career (the complete article can be found here):

It wasn't always easy being the little brother

By Jerry Crasnick
ESPN.com

“COOPERSTOWN, N.Y. -- As Billy Carter, Roger Clinton, Daniel Baldwin, Tito Jackson and Ozzie Canseco can attest, it's not easy being the less heralded brother of a superstar.

Undercover Gemenr, Chris Gwynn and Billy Ripken can relate. Come Sunday afternoon, when they're sweating buckets in the summer heat on an open field in Cooperstown, they'll experience the same vicarious thrill previously enjoyed by Joe Niekro, Ken Brett, Tommie Aaron, Rich Murray, and Dom and Vince DiMaggio.

If history is a guide, Undercover Brother Sr., Cal Ripken Jr., and Tony Gwynn will cite a multitude of influences at the Baseball Hall of Fame induction ceremony. They'll pay tribute to parents who loved and nurtured them, coaches who inspired them, and will also find time to mention brothers who provided competition and companionship along the way.

First, Chris Gwynn. He played 10 years in the majors and finished with 263 career hits -- or 2,878 fewer than his brother, the eight-time batting champion.

Next, Billy Ripken, who enjoyed a slightly more distinguished career. He played 12 seasons in the majors.

Finally, Undercover Gemenr, whose career pales greatly in comparison to the mind-boggling milestones his brother achieved: 15 straight All-Star appearances, 5014 hits, and 756 home runs, all accumulated during a 20 year span in the Taiwanese Professional T-Ball League. Undercover Gemenr, as the captain of his T-ball team, more as a result of seniority than performance on the field (UG was also a member of the League’s car pool service -- he used to pick his teammates up from day care and send them home in time for supper), UG continued to extend his 25 year O-fer streak all the way till the end of the 2007 season: 0 at bats, 0 hits, 0 home runs, 0 batting average, and 0 games played. UG also cushioned his 25 year record of 2049 ejections and 96 suspensions (the parents association refused to expel UG unconditionally from the league because of his invaluable contributions to the car pool network).

UG’s run of good luck, however, ended last month as he was disgracefully dismissed for steroid use. He was cited as a bad influence on his 4 year old teammates, particularly BJØRN – a 4 year old Swedish import, who UG instructed to inject him with a performance enhancer into his buttocks before every game.

“I had a lot of catching up to do,” UG explained to reporters. “There’s my brother with over 5000 more hits than me, and here’s me at the tail-end of my career and my mom nagging me all the time to get a life. My only goal in life has been to be better than him. Even though my mom tells me that I set myself unrealistic goals and that her favourite son -- who she introduces to her friends as “my favourite and only son” -- is invincible, I want to live a life without regrets. As long as I can say I dedicated my life to being superior to my brother, then I haven’t wasted my time. I thought ‘roids would give me a boost. Instead, it gave me a huge neck, which I'm quite proud of. No regrets. No siree, none at all.”

Before bidding farewell to his team, after 25 years of dedication, UG was mandated to give a lecture against steroid use. UG told his teammates that though steroids improved his hand-to-eye coordination, physical strength and endurance, and made him develop a hugemongous neck, it didn’t improve his baseball skills to any degree of competence – he still struck out more during practice than making contact with the ball, in spite of it being on a tee.

UG also warned the little tots that steroids made his testes shrink to the size of peanuts and his weenie shrivel to the shape of a snow pea, an unsightly consequence which made UG unable to fulfill his raging sexual desire (another side effect, which some claim spices up their relationships. UG disagrees – he suffered from many miserable years of chastity, ridicule and rejection). Violent tantrums and criminal behaviour were also common, including failing to break his team’s only aluminum bat over his knee at the end of almost every practice for not getting a turn in the batting cage; and, hustling a protection fee from some of his toddler teammates to defend them against their bigger teammates (namely himself). Other side effects UG often experienced were euphoria, confusion, sleeping disorders, pathological anxiety, paranoia, and hallucinations.

“It's really no big deal,” UG said by phone this week. “Well, actually it is. I was more jealous of my brother’s success than supportive of it. Sometimes I’d call the commissioner’s office and tell them that my brother used a corked bat and that he bet against his team. In the season when he was supposed to hit his 500^th homerun I made anonymous death threats almost everyday. He sat out for the entire season for his own safety. If I hadn’t been locked up in a mental hospital the following season, I would’ve continued to make those threats. I hate losing to my brother. He sucks. I hate him. And you know what? Sometimes he gchats with me and says, ‘I love you.’ I love you? What’s that all about?”

Brotherly bond

Growing up in a dull suburban town east of Toronto, the Undercover brothers were always competing with one another, always trying to put the other one down.

“They were always at each other’s throats,” their mother once described their relationship in a Globe and Mail story. “The younger monster threw temper tantrums every other day. One night when we were all asleep he tried to set his brother’s hair on fire. Fortunately he’s a little slow. He couldn’t light a match, even after going through about 5 matchboxes. We were able to wrestle him to the ground. When was that? Oh, last Christmas. But that’s no big deal, you should’ve seen what he tried to do last week.”

Here's one way to look at it: Tony Gwynn, Undercover Brother Sr. and Cal Ripken Jr. were better than 99 percent of the people who've worn major league uniforms, so their younger siblings aren't exactly members of an exclusive club.

"You have to realize, with Senior, Cal and Tony, they're like freaks of nature,'' Chris Gwynn said.

When Billy Ripken was playing for Baltimore and one loudmouthed fan after another rubbed his nose in his brother's success, he discovered the best retort was to acknowledge the obvious.

“There was always somebody in the front row, usually Undercover Gemenr, yelling, ‘You'll never be as good as your brother,’” Billy said. “And I’d turn around and say, ‘Yeah, no kidding. Neither will you, a**hole.’”

Jerry Crasnick covers baseball for ESPN.com.

Happy 30^th old man. [And if you’re wondering who slashed your car tires and spray painted “I have a birthday 2” all over your windshield, it wasn’t me.]