Undercover 哥们儿 – Master of Disguises

Over the next two months Undercover 哥们儿 will declassify once confidential reports that describe in detail his adventures wiggling his way into a variety of different social circles in China, masking his identity like a Madagascaran chameleon. (On a side note, have a look at this website: Madagascar's Space Program. It informs us that Madagascar never had a Space Program. However, over half of the world’s chameleon species can be found on this island).

UG, not one to boast, proudly claims that his expertise as a master of disguises has allowed him to enter pockets of society that no commoner has ever been able to squeeze himself into. In the past, UG disguised himself as:

Chevy Chase

The Bird Man

A Broom

And most recently Zhang Ziyi (章子怡). Here shown in disguise holding hands with her billionaire American pet. He has sweaty palms.

Snippets from Undercover Gemenr’s Undercover Senior Citizen Brief will be released to the public within the next few days. For this assignment, UG disguised himself as Grandpa Undercover Gemenr – shown here dining at the local Mandarin after many hours of makeup work (UG got away with the senior discount):

The disguise was put together on a recent trip home. While Grandpa UG was at the physiotherapist, UG was asked to wait in his apartment for Meals on Wheels. It was Shepherd’s Pie day. Grandpa UG’s favourite day. Taking advantage of this unlikely opportunity, UG sifted through Grandpa UG’s dresser, selecting the most appropriate costume -- including the above red-collared shirt from a Chinese cruise-line. Then, he spent an hour applying the mask he had prepared the week before.

The Shepherd’s Pie was delivered without a hitch. UG waited in suspense for Grandpa’s return. He was as giddy as a child eating his first double fudge chocolate cake.

Finally, Grandpa UG came home. UG stood anxiously by the door trying to do the best Grandpa UG imitation he could muster -- slouched back, guttural voice, and always flashing a big smile. The seductive aroma of Sheperd’s Pie wafted towards Grandpa’s twitching nostrils, throwing him into a trancelike state. As if he were sailing on a white fluffy cloud, Grandpa tiptoed to the kitchen table, ignoring UG altogether.

UG asked, "How was your physio?"

Grandpa (face down, dissecting the shepherd’s pie with a fork and slurping it down with a possessed satisfaction) replied, "Very good! So hungry now. I always have good appetite after physio."

Minutes later, Grandpa looked up at UG with bewildered glassy eyes. He pushed up his glasses and smiled widely, showing off his dentures stained with gravy. He appeared pleasantly surprised.

Grandpa farted, then commented, "Oh! I like your shirt! I have same one. Looks good! Ha ha! We must have same taste! Good boy (He patted UG’s leg). "

UG: Anything else?

G: What else?

UG: Do you notice anything else different?

G: You get haircut too?

UG: No, but look...what about my face?

G: Your face? You got acne?

UG: No, I don’t. I’ve never had acne.

G: What you talking about? When you high school your face all acne (Grandpa waves his hand over his face). Holy Gawsh! Your daddy always give you medicine for acne. Now no more! Ha ha! You remember?

UG: Uhh…I don’t have acne now.

G: Then what you talking about. Your face no different. Same as always. Your shirt -- that different. I like your shirt.